Refused entry and evacuated

How not to gain entry to a venue:

Sometimes people do stupid things after only a little amount of alcohol. Starting a fight while standing in line is a simple way to end up being excluded from a venue. Decide to take a swing at a Bouncer who is trying to maintain your safety is another way.

Turning up, even if you are a regular, with more liquid on your outside than inside tells the Bouncer you have a coordination problem. Meaning you keep missing your mouth probably because you are too intoxicated.

Being the opposite sex and telling the doorman that he is so cute, when you are about 20 years his junior, and you are swaying from side to side might make him feel good for a moment, but we can tell when its alcohol talking. Rest assured, after enough booze everyone looks cute.

Standing in a dry zone drinking in front of the doorman a can of grog means you get to wait in line for 20 minutes to be told, your breaking the law so I can’t let you in.

Cue jumping is the most amusing event from unruly patrons. Bouncers like myself tend to watch these people and when they get to the front of the line we ignore them until they start asking questions. Then we tell them to go to the back of the line and start again.

All these events happened tonight, but the greatest I save for last.

Forty five minutes until closing time and our CO2 alarm activated. All hands on deck to evacuate the building, and within a few minutes it was empty – incident free.

Drunk wet and vibrating…

With it being very wet and cold I inverted my assumptions and decided it would be very busy. Strangely so, but with some interesting characters.

Mrs Middle Aged approached a group of us having a discussion about the attributes of various people on the street, it include a local law enforcement officer. She actually didn’t notice him, instead she said a normal hello to another patron, her drunken gaze panned around to me where she also gave me an average salutation, then her gaze stumbled upon Mr Police Officer. Her eyes sprung open and she gave a very seductive “well hi!!”. After a few minutes of light talking, she asks Mr Policeman if she can get a ride home with him. He explained that the vehicle he was in was for criminals. That gave her the opportunity to tell him she could be “naughty!” if he wanted. Trying to hold back a display of appreciation and amusement, he politely declined. She then lifted the level in her seductive voice and said, “I can be very naughty!”. On that point we began directing her to the nearest Taxi.

A trio of Austrians came to the door. Each had their passport for ID except the lady. She appeared like a classic European model, blond, blue eyed and an athletic body. I let them in, only to be called to observe their dancing behaviour.

It’s not that they were doing anything wrong, but the easiest way to describe what I saw was three clean cut individuals on the dance floor looking like they were human vibrators. Quite a sight! Shortly after she was apparently gyrating her hips in a very suggestive fashion, but alas I missed that show.

Three young girls alighted from a Taxi and rushed over to the door. As they confidently presented their ID’s one girl says to the other, “feel here am I wet?”. This drew my attention because the location of the dampness was the Jeans covered crutch area. Here a young lady was feeling up another girls pubic area bang in front of me. A very short awkward moment followed then the explanation of liquid in the Taxi seat provided an excuse.

Jealous thong

When he stands there a cops massive verbal abuse from his female partner, one feels some level of pitty for the man. Until you discover he has hit her before!

All was going well for a Friday night, until this party of four arrived. A little merry, but then it seemed like everyone was happy tonight. They went in and had fun, then came out for a smoke break. That’s when the proverbial hit the fan. Something about his ability to spot future suitors for her and become somewhat concerned about this. In English? Jealousy.

She quite vehemently attacked him over this, and he stood there without moving. I was concerned for his welfare, so I refused their entry. She returned and her friend said that he had hit her many times in the past. Difficult to believe when you see how ramped up she got.

The next night they showed up again. This time stone cold sober. I questioned them at length before letting them in. But warned him, any issues at all, and he will leave. Well it took about an hour, and by then he was more than intoxicated, other substances were at hand. Fortunately, the local law enforcement officers were on hand to provide supervising guidance. End result? Barred!

Fancy dress night tonight. Seems there was a 18^th where the theme was dress as a profession, so we saw a Solicitor (lawyer), a racing car driver, a Doctor and a… naughty nurse. With a lineup of slightly disgruntled men waiting to get in, when Miss Nurse turned up and performed a kart-wheel maneuver they become far more cheerful. At that time I could let them in, but they preferred to hang about the nurse. Red thong if I’m not mistaken was the clear draw card.

Not to be outdone, three gentleman, well that’s what I initially thought they were, visited me at the door to smoke. Nearing closing time they were discussing the next watering hole. Apparently they had one organised where their ‘roots’ were waiting. I quite calmly asked for a please explain? According to these guys, they had prearranged casual sex with three ladies – one each.

Red freaky underage piercings

Some nights begin with an idea of what is in store. Tonight you could label it ‘Freaky Friday’.

Had a group of native New Zealanders who came first up. Nothing wrong with these guys, well dressed, sober, clean cut; no reason to refuse entry and it was early. It wasn’t until nearly closing time that an addition to their party began causing problems. Trying to hit onto someone else’s girlfriend was not a good option. Particularly as she was, at least as another patron described her, a skank.

They eventually left with no other problems.

A young lady turned up with what I initially thought was her father. She had more metal piercings in her face than I had in my shoes. Later I noticed them in a rather passionate embrace. Either he is a ‘sugar daddy’ or she is for hire.

Recently young ladies have been coming to the door with their elder sisters ID’s. Another tonight, which I didn’t pass through.

Saturday night was a little calmer.

Many more underages trying their best. Two girls presented their ID’s like old hands. Unfortunately they still had 2 months to go before they were legal. So I politely said to come back in a couple of months.

Then two girls with no ID, no idea and no common sense turned up with two guys. I think they were intending to slip in with these guys. However the males were too intoxicated and the girls were too young.

A nice lady left to have a smoke outside, she said “will you remember me so I can get straight back in?” I told her no problems because she had a stamp. However, that was insufficient for her, so she told me to remember ‘Red’. Red lipstick, red fingernails, and red soles on her shoes. Only  a few minutes later, she was sitting on the ground with her legs crossed and short skirt right up revealing her, you guessed it, red underwear. She was yelling at her friend and I was about to speak to her about the display (underwear not noise) when she stood up. The entire line up gained a gawking eyeful.

Another nice young lady leaving at the end of the night fell down. The two guys with her were obviously disinterested in helping her up. I grabbed her under the arms and lifted her up. With a train load of people coming behind wanting the leave I lifted her completely off the ground. She wrapped her arms around me and asked me to take her away. I did, all of five metres and leaned her up against the wall.

Unconscious young lady

There are some people, that as a bouncer, you are more aware of than others. A male who is associated with some bikie elements was heading towards the club tonight and stopped to interact with a lady. They drifted off to a secluded area and there was a little bit of pandemonium. He seemed quiet agitated and was appearing then disappearing. Eventually an ambulance turned up to fairy the lady away. She was walking and quite coherent. So I had to ask.

This tough male walked into the alcove with her and she tripped, hit her head and fell unconscious. Surprising, he did immediate first aide, checked for breathing and pulse and called for help. Being a rather shocking experience and somewhat shaken up, he needed a drink.

Lots of native New Zealanders tonight, which was fine because these guys were all very well behaved. Not so for some intoxicated Anglo Saxon males. I refused entry to this one gentleman and suggested he leave. To which his colourful language presented a direct threat to me. A short time later the local law enforcement officers were encouraging him to mosey on down the road.

A young lady’s dignity was on full display while she sat on the ground smoking. I casually walked up to her, knelt down to suggest she close her legs and cover up her underwear. Just as I was about to, she realised, went a little red and did it with nothing being said.

Nearly arrested young short dress

Quiet night on the home front, except one antisocial bloke. According to his friends he had done time for assault and other things. That doesn’t impress me, but only leads me to think that I should not let him back in.

The silly guy was standing at the front of the venue and saw a Police car, to which he decided to yell out very loudly to “F..k off”. Needless to say, that attracted the attention needed and a few minutes later he was being told to cease his loitering or be arrested. I think his bravado was trying to trump his freedom.

On leaving the officer asked to be notified if he returned. It only took four minutes before I had to do this! The guy then hot footed it away.

I appear to have a fan! Two blogs ago I wrote about a teenager’s birthday, well that teen showed up at the door tonight. She had two friends in tow and wanted to brag about ‘her bouncer’. I played along.

Occasionally you see things left of centre. A minor motor vehicle accident distracted me for a little while. One car t-boned by another. Then one disappears without stopping. Yep, a hit and run.

A semi-regular young lady came to the door with changed hair. She went from a dread-locks style to dead straight. I was not sure if I knew her or not, so I asked to see her ID. After some discourse about bad memories I suggested to her that her dress needed to come down a little lower to cover her underwear. She blushed a little and went inside.

Every so often she would reappear and immediately on eye contact readjust her dress. Eventually her friend showed up to be a taxi and when she hopped in the car she made some loud comment about her dress being too short. Not wanting to be mistaken, I immediately restated that I was concerned for her dignity, upon which she said “after the day I’ve had, my dignity is gone..” I left it at that.

Drug dogs, loose pantyhose and drunk, drunk people

The annual horse racing event was held today. This seems to result in too many nice people turning ugly with alcohol.

My first event was a young lady who wore pantyhose and as she entered with her male partner she mentioned something about them falling down. I was walking past as she decided to hike up her short skirt and reveal her black sheer pantyhose had fallen to just above her knees. With a grin she asked me to look. I said “Do I really need to see that?” and kept going.

In walks some plain clothes police (very welcome) and then some more uniformed police (also welcomed) and then a doggie! They are very cute, but deadly! One lady then removed for carry some type of drug.

It’s not often we have fights in this venue, and when we do they are usually a hit and run. So when I got the call for a fight I was a bit surprised to discover and all in melee. In taking the brave approach I dived in and started separating those involved. Kicked about four people out!

Boobies seem to be a big thing if they are, well, big. Especially when you have two women who are well endowed. One standing either side of me, reaching over and squeezing each others boobs. Both pronouncing they like big boobies. Both also explaining they are not lesbians. Me standing there thinking, WTF?

If you’re going to argue with a bouncer who is not going to let you in, then try not to do it in front of police.  With police standing a few feet away, this swaying male comes to the door with his ID. I check it and then tell him he is too intoxicated to enter. “What do you mean? I’m not drunk!” The usual retort, but hey, here we go. I decided to deliver the refusal in the most formal of tone; “In my opinion you are too intoxicated to enter this venue, so I am refusing your entry, you must now leave the area”. His immediate response was to ark up and argue. Then the police took him aside. Five minutes later after giving him way too many warnings, he was arrested.

More happened tonight, but most of it were drunk people trying to get in. Just wont happen on my shift.

A friendly smashed mature male came to the door, not looking to get in, but he needed community help. He didn’t know where we was or where he was going or who he was with. I got him some water and kept him for a while until he became lucent. Then found some outside help for him.

Teen birthday bouncing

Ordinarily I only do licensed venues for legal reasons. So being asked to be a bouncer for a teenage birthday party was something I would not normally do.

Tonight’s blog is tame in comparison to the adult and alcohol fuelled blogs, but there were some eyebrow raising incidents the same.

Turning up was the first surprise. The father of the birthday girl was happy to let his little girl know that she had a bouncer. Her friends immediately thought that was quite cool. The unsuspecting girl looked at me in disbelief and then asked if I was a joke or a stripper. I was not sure what to think or where to look.

Her friends referred to me as ‘her bodyguard’ and ‘her personal bouncer’. It was certainly a hit with the female guests of her age.

If this had been a licensed venue then certain activities I witnessed would have been minimised. A very young lady was knocking back ready to drink alcoholic beverages like they were cordial drinks. It only took about an hour and she was very much loose and intoxicated. If that happened in my normal surroundings she would have been removed or at least forced to drink water. Still it only took about another hour for the excessive alcohol consumption to take its effect and regurgitate the stomach contents. Time for her to voluntary go home, the worst for wear.

Having the ‘baby sit’ young girls was something altogether different. Two young misses were trying to leave the party, I think to meet up with a male who was not invited. Carefully they made their way to the front permitter where I exercised that commanding tone and directed them back in. I thought, it would be nice if adults were this obedient in pubs and clubs! Maybe there are advantages here!

Of course no venue is complete without an unannounced visit by the Police. Again, ordinarily I welcome these guys because of the huge assistance they provide. But in this case it was to direct the noise levels down. Not my finest hour with the local law enforcement.

I was able to prevent two or three young testosterone driven boys from gate crashing so I guess my work was valuable. Three young teens were going to leave and get some food with their parents. They walked outside the perimeter and off they went. I called in the cavalry, that would be the parents and in cars they pursued. It was fun to say “welcome back” to the young ones as they were marched back in.

It was certainly a talking point for parents, some were pleased to see ‘security’, yet others condemned this as a sign of the times.

Vomit and F— off

A quick vomit and I’ll be off! That was the inclination Mr Sick gave Miss Indifferent. My concern for his welfare brought her attention back to focus. I asked if he needed water. She looked at me like I was interrupting her important thoughts, which were about what venue to proceed to next – without him. “Oh, yeah he probably does, but if he doesn’t I’ll have it!” she said. Sometimes alcohol makes people self centred. I got the free water and ensured he received it.

I asked a gentleman to leave after he was abusive to another patron. “NO! Now fuck off.” Was his indignant response. Time for a little muscle I thought. I rounded up other bouncers and staff to assist and then he rounded up another in his party. Hmm, I thought, I might be able to trump this. I walked up to him and said “I am directing you to leave the premises, will you leave on your own?”. He responded verbatim with the same. I said to him to wait where he was and that I would return in a minute. One call to the local law enforcement officers and the cavalry arrived.  Funny thing, at the end and without altercation, he did leave, but his fellow punter ended up with free accommodation from the Police.

Boobs, sheer underwear, and lesbians…

“Are you gay?” she asks, “Yeah!” is the response, “But your a nice looking guy” she responds, “no I’m a chick you twit!” is the claim. Oh, the conversations that entertains you in the wee small hours of the morning.

Obviously in some areas of bouncing you either engage in discourse or you are unable to avoid activity listening. That same happy lady was heard later discussing the authenticity of lesbians to their lifestyle if they use phallic items. In her words, “I like to eat pussy so why do I need any type of dick?” Her clear argument being that if you are a true lesbian then any appendage from a male is unnecessary.

“Ouch, he pinched my boob” another lady screamed towards the entrance. Thinking this might have been an assault, I went to check, only to find her proclaiming happily that the assailant was her cousin. She proceeded to remove her boob from her bra to inspect it, along with giving everyone else an eye full. Kissing cousins? I didn’t want to know.

Ordinarily these venues attract young crowds, so when mature men turn up it draws attention. Add to that, parking their vehicle directly out front, openly drinking in a dry zone and turning their version of music up to drown out the venues own, is it any wonder they are ogled and laughed at?

“So, what’s the problem here?” asks a male who I just refused entry to, because he had no identification. That is usually the start for a prolonged argument where they try to win you over by fatiguing you down. I immediately decided enough was enough, reached to my radio and told the venue to call the police with one refusing to leave. Of course as soon as I did this, they left!

Full moons bring out the most in strange people and turn ordinary good people into weird ones. A regular who is usually a bit annoying was so drunk I could not let him back in. So, being polite I told him he just needed to stay here and talk to me for a while. He eventually tried to gain entry, but when I moved to physically remove him he left.

“Mate, can you help me up?” asked a young lady sitting on the ground with a rather revealing short skirt on. A gentleman nearby jumped in to help and I realised why very quickly. Her heals were not overly handy in gaining traction and as he pull her arms, her legs went either side of his and spread. Sheer black lacy underwear in clear view for all to see. She started giggling and he helped her up slowly. Fun for all I guess?! I wonder if it were not deliberate.