Boobs, bikies and barely legal

This weekend is combined in the one post.

Discussion on the technicalities of various trivial items with the boss’s partner was rudely interrupted when 50 metres down the road we noticed a young male running around the corner, closely followed by a young female minus her top. The boobs, they were large and swinging. They both bobbed down and we waited. Then he sprung up and began legging it across the other side of the street. At this stage, she had recovered her top and covered up, but she decided to pursue this man and in doing so, lost her strapless top again.

Having received this information before and met with the people in question, when we were advised that bikies were in town again it was of no major concern. In fact, while managing a ‘probie’ (his terminology) who got all tight around the neck with the news, I met the bikies for 10 seconds as the walked past. They are normal people with close friends who would do anything for them.

Still they come trying their best. Children, or girls who believe they look old enough to be with the women. Yep, another bunch of girls with ID’s that clearly state they are 17 (legal age here is 18). Only this time, instead of stating the obvious, I said “ok… you can come in” she looked at me with brightness in her eyes, then I continued with “next year, when you are 18!”. I couldn’t help myself.

 

How to annoy a bouncer

The theme for tonight was underage. Two specific incidents occurred that were to do with underage people. Now normally I am extremely strict on who gets in with regards to age limits. However tonight I failed!

A gentleman and native New Zealander has been coming to this venue for several months. I have checked his ID before and satisfied that we was over 18. Tonight, he was standing with me for a while and then a Police car pulled up. An officer talked to him and the patron left. Then the officer spoke to me. Now before I explain exactly what occurred, you should know that we have an excellent relationship with the Police. That said, this did not fit into that category.

Mr Police Man told me that the individual in question was underage. Being a bit confused I asked him to clarify which person he was talking about. We agreed on the identity of the individuals and then I made the mistake of asking the officer if he was sure? Well, this Police officer got very angry very quickly and began dressing me down about assumptions and turning the venue over. To which I calmly invited him in any time he wants.

A little later the patron returned and being quite concerned I asked to see his ID. The DOB made his age 19, it wasn’t expired, which is usually the case and the picture matched the person. The usual security features were all there. So being completely dismayed, I asked him, considering his valid ID says he is over age, why was to officer telling me he wasn’t? To which, the young man replied “because I’m not 18”. Needless to say, I was very annoyed and disappointed.

However, the next case solidified my confidence. The next nearest venue called me to give me the heads up on some young girls approaching. They suggested I scrutinise their ID carefully. Sure enough, one had an expired ID of her sisters. This one was a little too obvious. But when I declined her access, she when right off her tree. I was a little surprise and then politely told them to go away.

Staggering class

A young many in his early 20’s staggered to the door. I said he would be better served at another licensed venue. He was accepting of this and proceeded to one. About 20 minutes later he returned after being given the same advice. To which, and I guess we bouncers were playing with him a little, I suggested the same thing again, only this time in a different direction. That was all very amusing until I noticed the same gentleman driving past about an hour later. Yep – drunk and driving. Unfortunately I didn’t gain a good description or license plate, otherwise I would have reported him.

Being classy doesn’t take a lot, at least I think so. Two groups of girls demonstrated that class might be a thing of the past. The first were only just in the entrance when one commented to some friends on their way out, where’s my fish? Not knowing what she was talking about I paid a little more attention. She yelled quite loudly, “where’s my fish”, to which the other girl gestured to her groin and said “here it is, smells like fish, tastes like chicken!”. They all laughed and kept moving.

The second lady, er, perhaps a misuse of the label, was sitting nearby and stood up. Not having any attention on her, she made the bold statement that she accidentally gave everyone a muffin shot. If that didn’t get enough attention, she hiked up her pants and then said, “oops, from muffin to camel toe!”.

Drunk & old to sober, but too young

Tonight I opened the front door to a scene of vomit. It was clearly the end of a seafood extravaganza and the consumer no longer wanted it. About 10 metres away was another deposit. One of the uncomfortable roles we bouncers have is, vomit cleaning.

Party of four guys, one who just turned 44 wanted entry. Two were sober, the other two were smashed. I baby sat the drunk 44 year old while his peer told me some incoherent story and their friends went in to ‘check it out’. A drink later and we asked them to leave so that their intoxicated mates would go as well.

Miss “18 in December” had a nice try. With a party of two girls and two guys, they approached the door. The first guy I had already check – he was fine. The first lady had her birthday last Tuesday and was now ‘legal’. The next guy was legal but had a student, something I am not comfortable using, however I erred on the side of leniency and the last girl, well I said “you are welcome to come in, in December!”

The 3 un-wise men

Tonight three gentleman made a costly mistake. They travelled from far away and did so in a taxi. I watched as they alighted from the cab and headed in my direction. There was Mr Intoxicated, Mr Abusive and Mr No idea. As they came to the door I checked Mr Intox for an ID. He had significant trouble standing and delivering this. While waiting I asked Mr No idea for his. He said he didn’t have one. I explained he can’t come in without one. Mr No Idea was not happy with this, but Mr Intox was still trying to get his id and stand straight. I then explained to him he was too intoxicated, and his response? “You think I’m drunk?”

Then Mr Abusive described me was a head full of fornication. I smiled and thanked him for the complement and I then said he could not come in. Three onto one is an unfair ratio, so I called in my backup as the conversation… negotiation became heated. Fortunately the other bouncer used a special technique called, “boring the heck out of them”.

Their costly mistake was that at the end, no venue would let them in. All that travel for nothing.

Organs on display

Dress sense is a difficult thing for most modern party goers. Choosing colour may take precedence over size. Tonight a rather well endowed lady had picked a black dress that was perhaps a little on the loose side. With a chest size probably in the double ‘d’ category she had difficulty maintaining complete coverage. This was exaggerated when she lent into a motor vehicle nearby to put something down and her two breasts quite literally fell out. Rather than be embarrassed, she appeared to appreciate the male attention.

Having a special soccer match on in the area brought out many team players. They were wearing their colours which presented a problem. However I erred on the side of flexibility and allowed them in. That was until one decided to use the in-house automatic teller machine as penis receptacle.

Footy fights and females farts

The local football season comes to a close today, which is worrying and pleasing all in one. Worrying due to the likely behavioural problems and pleasing because we won’t have to put up it after today. With that in mind, the dress code was in force tonight – that was, any sign of club or sport colours were not permitted. Of course I had my fair share of mostly guys wearing team colours, which I requested they remove before entering. All complied. Then Miss “It’s My Right” decided to have a stand up argument about the policy. I resolved this by telling her that this is the policy, if she wants to enter she has to remove it. There was no reason she could not, because she had a full top on underneath.

A guy who has repeatedly turned up for the last few weeks at lockout time, finally turned up in time to get in. This was a short live treat, as he came out for a smoke and got into a fight, so I would not let him back in. Much arguing and discussion ensued. The result, he will be bared for a long time.

Ladies don’t fart. This woman was clearly not a lady. She came to the door with some regular lesbians appearing to be with them. As I asked for her ID, she let one rip which was quite disgusting and rank. The lesbians wanted to be sure to let me know, they were NOT with her. Not wanting to consume this I walked away from the door and let her in. I contacted through my radio the other bouncer and told her to deal with it. She later left and tried to return, I refused her entry on the grounds she was drunk, but, wow she stunk.

Caution for language content

A multicultural weekend with some Pakistanis, Japanese and New Zealanders. Funniest thing was when a Pakistanis asked for directions to a cigarette machine. I explained to him it was one the corner. Not being 100% sure of what I said, he asked again. At that point a drunken Aussie said “over there on the fucking corner!”. The Pakistanis said, “oh, on the ‘fucking corner’, not the corner, but the ‘fucking corner’”. This was very funny because the tourist was taking the piss out of the resident who was trying to be a smart arse. Still, I though while the Pakistanis was funny, he’s likely to get his head punched in being like that.

Regular patrons are very good because their behaviour is predictable – mostly! We have two young ladies who others do refer to as ’skanks’ but are always well mannered, a little on the drunk side but ok. Tonight however I saw their nasty side. I asked how much one had to drink and she said not much, so I asked what else she had been taking. The response was incoherent. As their behaviour became worse with yelling abuse at other patrons and becoming very rowdy I decided it was time to remove the clemency that regulars enjoy. When I told her she could not return tonight, they became very sober and left in a huff.

Three guys, three girls

Shaping up for a confrontation.

Three guys arrived in a taxi. As they got out, the local Police questioned one and told another to “back off now!”. Thinking things were about to go down I readied myself. They settled down and the Police came through for a visit. Then the three men lined up.

I’m watching them brag on about drinking and trouble making so when they got to the front of the line I told them they were too intoxicated. Background happenings at this time; another Police car turns up and is only a stones throw away. I now have my own backup, and four cops nearby in case. The first male who was questioned by Police decides he can take me on and strikes a fighting pose, then says “let do it!”. I was a bit surprised and said, “I think you need to leave”. He looks at me, then over my shoulder to see two police officers and a bouncer heading to our area, then down the street to see two more police coming. He was the smarter one, because he decided to leave.

Three lesbians arrived really early. They had been before, but were not quite regular. They dress emo like and not so dyke’ish. Anyway, every now and then they pop out for a smoke and chat. One is telling me about her child and then our bar maid comes to the door. Ms Lesbian decides to try and chat her up in a very overt fashion. Our bar maid is very hetro and in a relationship, so she cut the conversation short and left. Ms Lesbian then became gushing about how hot the bar maid was.

She provided a bit of naughty intelligence too. A couple of very well dressed party girls were leaving. One who was a little stuck up called me a door Nazi. Ms Lesbian then decided to tell me that the short one was wearing red underwear and the tall one was wearing none. I thanked her for that information.

Speaking of underwear, how does a male know when a lady is not wearing any? Well, she will tell you.. sort of. A lady who was at the front door with some of her friends decided to show me some of the contents of her bag. In there were some pantyhose to replace the ones she’s wearing with no underwear. Again, I said “thanks for that”.

Expired ID’s and strange hoons

“Mistakes? I made a few!” Ha, well tonight is no exception. However, if the target of my error was alert and not intoxicated he would havey actually hit me. A crowd of 6 turned up wanting access. I allowed the first lady in without checking her ID, because I am familiar with her. Reading back through my blog, she was the one providing oral fellatio to a male patron in the car park. The male trialling behind her was not familiar so I asked for his ID. No problems, except it was expired. Considering that the licensing authority has been through many times checking for this, I was not about to let this one fly by. I told him it was expired and he could not enter unless he had a current license.

He did not appreciate the ruling and gave immediate threats of harm towards me. My bouncing partner was standing behind me and told him to calm down. This gave me some time to prepare for the impending stoush. I signalled to his girlfriend to come back to the door and explained the situation. With much bravado and fanfare on his side they departed slowly and awkwardly.

On reflection and writing notes for the report, I realised his ID didn’t expiry for another 2 hours. He could have come through if he was sober enough to realise…

How is this! A male who has been barred for fighting and offensive behaviour turned up. He turned up intoxicated, driving a unregistered, uninsured vehicle without a drivers licence and did the ‘hoon’ burnout in front of the venue. Needless to say, the local law enforcement officers were advised.

Another party of 6 turned up. This was a clear mix of boys and girls. All presented their ID’s without prompting except one woman who remained coy. They finished their smokes and began entering. Miss Coy fronted up quickly with her ID and went to move past trying to keep up with the crowd. Hers was clearly expired, clearly her sister’s and she was clearly underage. I told her she can not gain access. Her party turned around and came back outside except for one girl. She attempted to draw my attention by being crass and lifting her skirt. The rest of her party egged her on and encouraged me to look. But if you have been a long time reader you would already know, I seen my fair share. Without gaining any reaction they moved on.