I can say I have worked with some interesting and amazing people.

My bossess have been easy to describe in simple words; Overly happy (he was gay), smolderingly hot (a she), highly intelligent (an owner), motivated and charged (an owner), great eye candy (a she).

My colleagues have been equally diverse. In bouncers, I’ve worked with some butch women, some guys who were better suited to counting bubbles in aerated beverages, other guys who were better suited to the front line with the infantry. There are some very smart, intelligent, clever bouncers out there who get a raw deal. I would suggest, if you bump into those type, who are reasonable and flexible and treat you like a human – be nice back – let their boss know they are great. The other ones… well, you don’t pay much for your drinks so they don’t pay much for the security… everyone gets what they paid for.

To ladies who flirt with bouncers; the intelligent bouncers see through it, the bone heads lap it up. Most bouncers are taken and walk a very, very fine line with girls at night. It is very easy to cross that line (I’ve not done it, but have been tempted oh so often), and mix business with pleasure. However, my biggest message to lady patrons is that bouncers will more likely ‘date’ staff rather than patrons; so try not to make a fool of yourself.

Guys, the smart thing to do is be nice, always. Never argue, never challenge. A bouncer is trying their hardest to weed out the likely problem people. The instant you do something to pop up on the radar, you will become a target.

General comments:

Fights always come in two types: ‘Hit and run’ and ‘full on’. The ‘hit and run’ is unpredictable. Someone usually comes out of no where, king hits the opponent and disappears before anyone really notices. Thank god for CCTV in those cases. The ‘full on’ is easy to spot. It usually begins with chesting (both blokes push out their chest), a little open palm work (they point their hands to the ground with the open palm facing the adversary), then its a grab any part of the opponents clothing, hold him and hit him.

• General rule of thumb, the head is the target – not the torso.
• General rule of thumb, do not end up on the ground – your head will get kicked by cowards.
• General rule of thumb, if your opponent bears his chest, takes hit top off, he has done this before and is experienced

Always hold onto your own drink. Spiking is so easy these days. Always be together in groups of at least 2. Don’t leave your friend because you found someone hot. Help them get someone too – the later things go on, the easier it becomes.

Lots of serious relationships develop within the pub/club scene. Be prepared, you may end up marrying what looked like a one-night-stand.

The inverse is also true, many breakups happen.

That’s it. So good night, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did…

I have changed my day job to a significant Government role and at this stage, I am unable to continue bouncing because of the day job’s rules.

Tonight, everything went calmly until closing time. A regular who has been involved in three fights of recent – none were his fault, had another fight. This was not a king hit and run, but a full on brawl.

It took a little while to separate the two males, but by then I noticed we have 4 bouncers from a nearby venue, another 1 coming from further away; three police cars, an ambulance and most of our venues staff outside to assist.

It was only two guys fighting though.

One lady, hmm, girl escaped my ID scrutiny only to be checked again by another Bouncer. He passed her, only to then have her checked again by the Bar manager. This time she faltered. Why check so many times? We had other patrons say she was underage. We believed them. Interestingly, she was breaking up with her boyfriend at the time. No amicably either, at least the slap across his face I think meant she was not happy.

Tears not on his pillow.

Another lady who had been in a steady relationship for a while with a regular fell into tears after a big argument with her boy. I needed to separate them as the language indicated violence might be on the cusp.

Tent time.

Plenty of drama for the night, but in the end a humours ending to some other girl’s discussion. The two ladies sat exchanging information about their respective ex’s, while another guy stood near them. I was oblivious until one girl said to him “have you got a boner?” I looked and sure enough, he had a tent in his pants. Well, with that one of the girls said – lets go and took him with.

I described in Under surveillance and barred about Police issued barring order. Tonight he turned up. He tried to claim it was his brother and failed to produce an ID to prove it. Needless to say he didn’t come in.

Flash communication

Two young ladies were approaching the door when a car pulled up and yelled hello. One responded with a unique hello. She lifted her skirt and flashed her uncovered ‘hello’.

Drunk test failure

One lady, one man. Both quite intoxicated so I directed them to do the drunk test. That is stand on one leg, bring extended arms to touch the nose with eyes closed. Big fail and it became a bigger competition to work out who failed more.

With my fellow bouncer between two guys exchanging punches, I restrained one, only to collect a blow to the head as a result of having it in the wrong place at the wrong time from a third guy. He was aiming for another bloke. However the guy that hit me, twice I might add, learned the painful art of wrist restraints. Within a few seconds we had bouncers from all close by venues in the game and all under control. The local Police came, told everyone to go home and it was over… or was it?

The night ended with a 50 strong brawl on the street at another venue nearby.

I wear a surveillance camera for many reasons, tonight justified it. This male approached the door with his hand up to cover the camera. Did this make me cautious? If not, his comment about the lack of metal detectors raised my awareness. Then his comment about wanting to come in to “do something, err see someone” really did the trick. Then his mate asked about how far I can see without glasses? Yes I wear glasses, but not during physical altercations. I asked him why, we said so he could get the range right! My glasses went into my pocket – I was ready with back up in toe.

What happens when you get a couple of well-known street fighters in the venue, and some are on other narcotics? A dramatic reason for strategic removal! One of these men was becoming very agitated with others ‘looking at him’. I interviewed him to find out what the problem was and identified two others that were likely to have a go. Using clever strategy, I had one escorted out the rear staff entrance, and I removed the second through the front door. Then with local Police en-route, I coaxed the agitated one down stairs. All up, three potential fights eliminated.

Tourists everywhere. A nice Irish gentleman accompanied with his Australian friends wanted a picture with a bouncer. Not an uncommon request. However, this would be the first time a male has licked the side of my face while having a photo… yep gross!

If you can’t negotiate stairs easily, and are bumping your drink and people, then chances are your drunk. Especially if at the beginning of the night your behaviour was the opposite. This was my explanation to a patron that wanted to come back in after leaving for a minute. A well dressed, known public servant was too intoxicated. So intoxicated that I finished by saying, “your too pissed, go home”. Next thing I know, he spits at me, connecting with my pants… yep gross!

To end the night off, a guy who has been aggressive at the door because I refused his entry met his match. After trying to pick a fight with other patrons leaving and passers by, a regular patron who recently left incarceration for assault exited. Four words from the drunk “take you best shot” and the next thing, the drunk was out cold on the pavement. A king hit!

Sometimes tourists act like terrorists. This native New Zealander was in the line, jumped the queue and acted all important like. Just before I had dealings with him, I refused another man because he had no form of ID. Mr New Zealander also had no ID. So I went through the usual diatribe explaining the rules, to which he wanted to know my name. Obviously he wanted to complain, which is fair enough. So I told him my security number, which is plastered on my uniform and said if he wanted to complain, he should ring on Monday morning and ask for the manager. Nope! “I want your name so I can bring the Mafia in a fuck you up” he yelled as he pushes me into another member of the staff. He then disappears into the night, leaving us a little bewildered.

One lady, well she was at the beginning of the night, left her mobile phone nearby. I collected it and waited until she was ready to leave. When she asked me about it I told her she could have it on leaving. Because she wanted to party on, perhaps the wrong term, she exclaimed “but what about if I want to have sex with someone?!”. I was a bit lost for words, but stuck to my original idea.

The venue serves frozen tubes of flavoured water. A gentleman exiting stopped and interrupted another Bouncer and I discussing a patron’s behaviour by saying “do you wanna suck?”. My response was, “If we did, we probably wouldn’t ask you for it, no offense”.

The first involved a young slim lady and a male who was perhaps three times the size of this woman. They were arguing about 100metres away from me and quite aggressive. Within a few minutes they were into the physical fighting, only it was not the way one would expect. She began hitting into him with full force. Another bouncer and myself watched on in disbelief. She continued on with him cowering and trying to get away. Eventually I called the local law enforcement officers to deal with it. The next thing you know we are swamped with Police cars and officers. Quite a circus really.

The second involved another young lady who was partying with five other guys. I noticed her both on the dance floor, moving her hips in an overtly sexual way, and later on a couch deliberately parting her legs for each guy. Keep in mind she was wearing jeans. Shortly afterwards, I was checking the toilets and overheard two of the gentlemen with her having a conversation. “So yeah, she will do us all!” said one very cheerfully. The other in an inquisitorial tone asked who would go first. Well, then came the surprise, “Well she’s my girlfriend so I go first!” said the first guy.